Our distinguished US Correspondent P.E.Doff recently attended a White House Press Conference conducted by Jay Carney the White House Press Secretary. Here is his exclusive account of the fierce questioning of Jay by the assembled White House correspondents.

‘What is the President’s reaction to the fall of Gaddafi?’ was the first question

‘Well naturally’ responded Jay ‘the President is pleased that the Libyan people have asserted their right to self-determination’

‘What is his reaction to the manner of Gaddafi’s demise?’

‘The President’ responded Jay ‘was naturally disappointed that all his bombs missed and he accepts that the rebels had to finish the job’

‘Is the President planning any aggression against Assad?’

‘No’ replied Jay

‘So what’s the difference between the situation in Syria and the situation in Libya that prompted the President to take action?’

‘The President is determined’ explained Jay ‘to ensure that that the determination of the Syrian people to achieve self-determination is yet to be determined’

‘What the hell does that mean?’

‘It probably means’ replied Jay ‘that Syria is close mates with both Russia and China and they’re not keen on armed intervention unless they do it themselves’

‘Does the President’s decision to withdraw all forces from Iraq by the end of the year affect the situation?’

‘Well’ said Jay ‘it does mean that Al Qaeda will lose interest in Iraq next year and could transfer quickly to Syria if required’

‘Is the President disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Peace Prize again this year?’

‘Not at all’ said Jay ‘He’s still trying to understand why he won it a couple of years ago. From now on everything he does will be focused solely on spreading democracy amongst the peoples of the world so long as it doesn’t harm his re-election chances’

‘Is the President pleased with progress on resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict?’

‘The President is particularly pleased’ replied Jay ‘with the progress in resolving his conflict with Netanyahu’

‘What’s the President going to do with all the forces he’s withdrawing from Iraq? Has he got any new wars in mind for them?’

‘The President plans to put them on strategic standby’ replied Jay

‘So does that mean he can’t afford them anymore?’

‘He can certainly afford them militarily’ replied Jay ‘but the cost could be a problem’

‘What about the drones program?’

‘That’s going really well’ replied Jay ‘Now all we’ve got to determine is whether it’s been more effective against the Taliban or Pakistan’