Friday Mash’s ace investigative reporters in Washington, Backward and Wormsteam, were down a disused coalmine awaiting another meeting with Deep Thrombosis, their star snitch within the Obama administration.

Suddenly a ghostly figure glided out of the gloom.

‘Hi guys’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘I thought you’d appreciate this place. It’s the pits’

Not even Deep Thrombosis’ shortcomings in venue selection and sense of humour could diminish Backward and Wormsteam’s excitement at what was about to unfold.

‘Have the plumbers team been pursuing their dirty tricks campaign against the Republican presidential candidates?’ asked Backward.

‘No they haven’t’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘After seeing the dirty tricks the candidates are playing on each other Obama decided that the plumbers couldn’t compete’

What’s going on with White House Chiefs of Staff?’ asked Wormsteam ‘The job turnover is so high anyone would think that Donald Trump is the White House personnel manager’

‘Michelle is the problem’ replied Deep Thrombosis ‘she expects the Chief of Staff to do the shopping, pick up the laundry and take the kids to school. She told Carla Bruni that its hell living in the White House because some days neither the Chief of Staff nor Joe Biden are around to help’

‘So what’s the hot goss you wanted to talk to us about?’ asked Backward.

‘Unemployment numbers’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘They haven’t really come down. The White House has simply introduced a new way of assessing them which means they’ve brought forward the employment figures forecast for 2013 to 2012’

‘Geez’ said Wormsteam ‘why have they done that?’

‘To bring forward the 2013 employment forecast increase to take effect before the presidential election’ replied Deep Thrombosis

‘So the increase in 2012 is not based on actual figures’ commented Backward

‘Of course not’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘they are official government forecasts which take account of the opening of a new government department to specialise in fiddling employment figures’

‘What about unemployment figures?’ asked Wormsteam

‘The administration has banned the publication of any more official unemployment figures before the presidential election’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘except in the unlikely event that they go down’

‘So the increase in employment claimed by the Obama administration is based on wishful thinking’ said Backward

‘Well not entirely’ said Deep Thrombosis ‘because they’re based on official forecasts annually adjusted. If this proves unsatisfactory the government has a contingency plan which calls for people with a second job to be counted as two employed people. By the way I’ll try to find somewhere even less accommodating for our next meeting’

‘Holy Toledo’ said Backward after he’d gone ‘I think he’s indicating that our next meeting could be in Cleveland’