It is an amazing coincidence that all Australia’s greatest cricketing brains patronise the same lounge bar at Friday Mash’s local pub.

For some time they have been of the view that test matches and one-dayers have become as boring as watching the climate change.

During a pub session last week a constant supply of Friday Mash shouts inspired them to focus single-mindedly on a plan to secure the future of the international game.

They were unanimous that test match cricket as we know it is finished. It’s now just a question of what to do with the ashes. However they determined that test cricket’s unique heritage must be preserved for future generations. This prompted the ground-breaking idea of the neverending test.

They proposed that sleepier test grounds like Lords and the Adelaide Oval should become test match museums and venues for neverending tests. The matches would just carry on ad infinitum much in the same way as test matches always have but with no hope of a result.

The Poms would love the concept. They would never again have to suffer the constant humiliation of losing test matches.

Then came a killer idea. Elderly people in their twilight years love nothing better than watching a gentle game of cricket. So the whole neverending test concept could be financed by developing retirement villages on the quieter sides of Lords and the Adelaide Oval.

Neverending test matches are potentially a great cure for insomnia, would be ideal environments for gaining no results from climate change conferences and would attract Chinese tourists through their similarity to the Terracotta Soldiers.

Matches would be played strictly in accordance with ICC rules and players would wear traditional white gear. The only likelihood of playing with new coloured balls would occur when a batsman forgets to wear his box.

This inspirational group were also unanimous that within a few years Twenty20 cricket would become boring and the essential future of the game lay in exploring new boundaries in a shorter form.

After an unusually spirited discussion the group opted for the Five5 as the future of international cricket.

They were strongly influenced by climate change considerations because for floodlit matches a Five5 would have a carbon footprint seventy-five percent smaller than a Twenty20
They perceived that the build-up to a Five5 match would be critical. If the spectators were not there on time or not switched on sufficiently they might miss it altogether. So it was proposed that the period immediately before a match should be a Happy Hour.

All drinks at the ground would be at half price and there would be a Two2 match between teams of male and female streakers and streakers from the crowd would be welcome to join in. This would not only ensure that spectators turn up on time but also that they are at fever pitch by the start of play. And even if the match is rained off they would get their moneysworth.

The group also determined that in view of the short explosive nature of Five5 no spectator should miss a ball. They even proposed viewing windows in toilets at the grounds so that even spectators afflicted by a sudden dose of diarrhea would still have good seats.

There would be no place in Five5s for bad decisions and time-wasting by umpires or video umpires. All decisions would be made by the crowd on a show of hands. Batsmen playing two defensive shots in succession would almost certainly be summarily dismissed.

In order to eliminate any possibility of boredom during the interval between innings spectators would be encouraged to send dirty text messages to Shane Warne. Female spectators would be guaranteed to get a reply.

The group acknowledged that after a few years of Five5s cricket fans could get nostalgic for dot balls and didn’t rule out the reintroduction of Twenty20s.

The session broke up with an exchange of high Five5s.