Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was perched on a wall in the prime minister’s office when Julia and Wayne met with Bob, Rob and Tony, the three independents. Here is his exclusive report on this historic event.
‘Gentlemen’ said Julia ‘I’m sure you understand that the future of this great nation depends on us forming a stable coalition government and preventing Mr Rabbit and his mob from becoming a plague in rural Australia’
‘What concessions are you prepared to offer us?’ asked Rob
‘And how about doing a nude centrefold in our local paper?’ asked Bob
‘I beg your pardon’ said Julia
‘Only joking’ said Bob
‘But we couldn’t consider’ said Tony ‘going into a coalition with any party which wants to apply an ETS to farmers’
‘Well’ said Julia ‘of course we will be prepared to discuss that issue in good faith with you but Penny Wong assures me…’
‘Penny Wong’ exclaimed Bob ‘she’s not still around is she? I thought she got lost in Copenhagen’
‘Not just Penny’ said Julia ‘but also Peter Garrett will sit down with you to consider…’
‘Oh shit’ said Bob ‘don’t tell me Peter Garrett’s still stuffing things up. If he comes up to my electorate they’ll go batts. And you’re not considering an alliance with the Greens are you?’
‘As a matter of fact’ said Julia ‘Bob Brown and I have been having some mutually encouraging discussions’
‘Well if you want us’ said Bob ‘you can forget them. I’d get on better with red politburo members from China than green senators from Tasmania. What’s Kevin up to?’
‘Following his quite inspirational contribution to our election campaign’ said Julia ‘Kevin is preparing himself to take on a senior role in my cabinet’
‘You have to be joking’ said Bob ‘you’re not seriously considering having that wanker in your cabinet are you? He couldn’t organise a leak in a toilet. And who was the braindead buffoon who came up with that mining tax?’
‘Well actually’ said Wayne ‘I’m proud to tell you that Ken Henry and I are responsible for that landmark economic reform’
‘Are you mad?’ asked Bob ‘The only decent jobs in my electorate are in mining. What are the miners supposed to do instead, build thousands of bloody windmills?’
‘And we don’t think your population policy’s sustainable’ said Tony ‘We need all the asylum seekers we can get to achieve sustainable regional development. It’s no good sending them to Sydney. If that state Labor government stays in much longer it will be much more humane to send them all back to Afghanistan’
‘I get so tired flying backwards and forwards to Canberra’ said Bob ‘what about transferring federal parliament to Charters Towers?’
‘I’ll consider it’ said Julia ‘if it’s the only way I can remain as prime minister. Thank you gentlemen for a most encouraging meeting. There are so many points of agreement we can take forward into our discussions next week. And are there any final comments you’d like to make?’
‘Yes’ said Bob ‘about the allocation of ministries. Rob would like Regional Development, Tony would like non-Sustainable Population and Immigration and I’ll take Climate Change so I can stuff that ETS for once and for all’
‘Anything else?’ asked Julia
‘Yes’ said Bob ‘that broadband network’s a great idea. Do I need a computer to connect with it?’
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