This week Guy the Friday Mash Superfly paid a return visit to the offices of Tiger Woods’ Sports Management Agency in the wake of his return to golf.  Guy was on a wall in their conference room as Tiger’s team discussed future plans.  This is his exclusive report.

‘We’re back’ said Mac ‘and not before time.  Our bottom line’s taken a terrible hammering.  So Huey let’s get to it, what do you see as the immediate priorities for Tiger?’

‘We have to concentrate on keeping him on golf courses as much as possible’ said Huey ‘it’s during the intercourse sessions that he gets into trouble’

‘How do you assess his prospects for the British Open?’ asked Mac

‘Pretty good’ said Huey ‘I think she’ll still be pleased to see him’

‘Perhaps we should find some different distractions for Tiger’ said Mac
‘How about getting him involved with the environmental movement’

‘Good idea’ said Huey ‘he’s always had great success around the greens, especially the women.  Now Mac here’s a good one for you.  What’s a mile high club?  It’s what Tiger uses to practise on planes’

‘Now come on’ said Mac ‘we’ve got to make some serious business plans here.  What immediate initiatives can we get in play to make serious money for Tiger and us?’

‘I’ve got a great idea for a PR campaign’ said Huey ‘We can put out a media release claiming that Tiger’s been cured of his sex addiction and we underline it by claiming he’s persuaded a porn movie star to take part in humanitarian community service project by making a film to educate catholic priests about sex with adults’

‘That sounds interesting’ said Mac

‘How can you tell if a porn movie star loves you?’ asked Huey ‘She asks for your help with rehearsals’

‘Come on Huey’ said Mac ‘let’s get real.  We’ve been asked by a golfing magazine to tell them which has been Tiger’s most consistently successful club’

‘That’s easy’ said Huey ‘it’s the Hollywood Sex Club’

‘What we need’ said Mac ‘is a really big idea for a new tournament for Tiger, something on a par with the Masters’

‘I’ve got it’ said Huey ‘The Mistresses.  Tiger’s got enough of them for a huge tournament.  There’s one or two of them that are below par but none of them have a big handicap’

‘Huey’ said Mac ‘get a grip

‘Bingo’ said Huey ‘The Tiger Woods Chastity Belt.  If anyone tries to get it off it plays the ultimate passion killer, Bill Clinton saying ‘I did not have sex with that woman’

‘Look’ said Mac ‘can you hold out any hope that we can restore Tiger to his former glory?’

‘Afraid not’ said Huey ‘I just can’t see the Woods for the sleaze’