Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was going to London this week to cover the UK election but we decided not to risk him flying through all that volcanic ash. Instead we sent him to the White House where he landed on a conference room wall just as the President was discussing with two of his top generals how to reduce the US nuclear stockpile. He’s just filed this exclusive report.

Congratulations Mr President’ said Walt ‘on your leadership at the Nuclear Security Summit’

‘Appreciate that Walt’ said Obama ‘I’ve called you and Duke here today to discuss plans for the first step in our nuclear arms reduction programme’

‘Mr President, you’re not actually going to start destroying plutonium are you?’ asked Duke anxiously ‘Walt and I thought you would just want to hide it in a much more obscure location’

‘I’ve given my word to Russia and the rest of the world that we will destroy enough plutonium for seventeen thousand nuclear weapons’ said Obama ‘and Russia has promised to do the same’

‘You can’t trust Russia’ said Walt ‘they’ll hide it for sure. They’re on a par with Venezuela, North Korea, Iran, Syria and New Zealand’

‘Why New Zealand?’ asked Obama

‘I don’t trust All Blacks who use the bomb effectively because it can have a knock-on effect’ said Walt ‘ Duke and I feel strongly that we should drop a nuke on each of those countries just as a warning’

‘Come on you guys’ said Obama ‘I’ve just won the Nobel Peace Prize. I can’t go around nuking everybody just because they remind me of George W. Bush’

‘Mr President’ said Duke ‘here’s the bottom line. If you’re the world’s superpower you’ve got to flaunt it. If you don’t nuke everyone while you’ve got the chance sure as hell one day they’ll nuke you’

‘But I believe in the power of negotiation’ said Obama

‘Forget it Mr President’ said Walt ‘persuading Ahmadinejad to drop his nuclear development is like trying to convince Al Gore that his arse is freezing over’

‘But in some things you have to be more nuanced’ said Obama ‘like the military’s don’t ask don’t tell policy’

‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘I don’t ask because I can tell’

‘Look guys’ said Obama ‘I take decisive military action when it is needed like the surge in Afghanistan’

‘What we need in Afghanistan’ said Duke ‘is not a surge but Armageddon’

‘Please understand’ said Obama ‘that President Medvedev and I have not only pledged to reduce nuclear weapons but also to work towards complete nuclear disarmament in four years’

‘Mr President’ said Walt ‘please tell me you’re joking. If we lose nuclear weapons, bang goes our superpower status and we’re reduced to being as impotent as everyone else. Can’t we keep a few nukes hidden away just in case?’

‘Absolutely not’ said Obama ‘now what’s your plan for getting rid of the plutonium?’

‘Got a great idea Mr President’ said Duke ‘why don’t we sell it to Ahmadinejad for squillions and arrange to detonate it by remote control when he takes delivery’