Articles from International Affairs
It’s such a busy time of year and not surprising that so many forget about New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s a few gentle reminders to those sorely in need.
Hostesses and
cocktail waitresses - ban dates with Tiger
Obama - change into something we can really believe in
President Hu - develop an image as Old King Coal
Tony Abbott - take the painful step up to ferret smugglers
Malcolm Turnbull - reduce greenhouse gas emissions by becoming less of an old fart
Gordon Brown - take constipation tablets regularly
Berlusconi - stay out of crowds unless they’re young girls
Penny Wong - tattoo ‘ETS’ on her backside so she can sit on it for a while
Father Christmas - abandon plans to extend his franchise into Afghanistan
Julie Bishop - pick up a few tips from Deputy Dawg
Bill Clinton - don’t become jealous of Tiger
Robert Mugabe - spend Zimbabwe’s climate change grant from the UN on a luxury ski lodge in St Moritz
Julia Gillard - stop talking like an education revolution headmistress
Joe Tripodi – reduce carbon emissions by becoming a solar power broker
Al Gore - stop emiting anything. We’ve got the message
The Mayor of Copenhagen - clean up after the cyclones, earthquakes and bushfires caused by the Climate Change Conference
Sarah Palin - make an unpresidented impact
Joe Hockey - reduce waist in the Liberal Party
Kevin - achieve a further reduction in greenhouse emissions by extending the ETS to cover baked beans and artichokes
Tiger - become President of US Adulterers Anonymous and recruit Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford as foundation members
Wayne Swan - needs to take at least a couple of stimulus packages a day
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Gore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Climate Change, ETS, Gordon Brown, Joe Hockey, Joe Tripodi, Julia Gillard, Julie Bishop, Kevin Rudd, Liberal Party, Malcolm Turnbull, President Hu, Robert Mugabe, Santa, Sarah Palin, Silvio Berlusconi, Tiger Woods, Tony Abbott, Wayne Swan
Posted in Business, International Affairs, Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
It’s very exciting that countries from all over the world are bringing so many state-of-the-are ideas to the UN Conference in Copenhagen to tackle the challenge of climate change.
The US is planning to decarbonise Smokin’ Joe Frazier, withdraw all CDs by Nat King Coal, reduce deforestation by not chopping down Tiger Woods and take the temperature down a degree or two by throwing a bucket of cold water over Madonna and Paris Hilton.
The UK is undertaking stringent measures like sending all their coals to Newcastle, limiting the greenhouse effect to tomatoes and replacing the twenty-one gun royal salute with a loud government report and an outbreak of the clap.
Frenchmen are resisting attempts to cut their emissions by claiming it would be the unkindest cut of all.
Germany is only going to Copenhagen to bring home the bacon.
New Zealand was ready with a range of brilliant innovations to take to the Conference. However, they are responsible for such a small percentage of the world’s carbon emissions that the Conference organisers told them to wait until the next conference when hopefully they’ll have enough emissions to achieve a decent decrease.
The Taliban will not attend but have promised to reduce their car bomb emissions.
China is planning to reduce their increase rather than increase their decrease although they believe that their increasing decrease will lead to a decrease rather than an increase.
Russia is preparing to reduce emissions by substituting vodka for petrol. Police are currently working on new breath testing technology which can detect both drunken drivers and sober cars. Drivers will be warned not to fill themselves up at vodka stations.
Fiji is reducing carbon footprints by banning the use of coal in firewalking pits.
Berlusconi is increasing his carbon emissions. He’s giving diamonds to all his girl friends.
Japan will decree that people can’t own both a home and a car. They will either have to live in their car or travel around in their home. The government calculates this will save an incredible amount of energy because citizens will be able to travel almost anywhere without leaving home.
The Irish have forgotten to do anything about climate change. Their sins of emission are nothing compared with their sins of omission.
Thirty-odd thousand delegates are attending the UN Conference. It will take the Danish Government years to get rid of a carbon footprint that big.
India has invented vinda loos. They are powered by passing winds.
Ahmadinejad is going nuclear. Hopefully he’ll go far underground and have a practice run as the world’s first nuclear suicide bomber.
Australia has developed a novel way of tackling climate change. Get rid of political leaders like Malcolm who keep banging on about it and make sure that Kevin stays abroad as much as possible then it all seems to go away. Kevin is determined to produce clean coal but experts expect the idea will fall as flat as decarbonated coke.
UN Conference Organisers believed that so many smoke alarms would be sounded by delegates they didn’t install any in the conference hall.
Tags: Berlusconi, China, Copenhagen, deforestation, Germany, greenhouse effect, Madonna, Nat King Coal, New Zealand, Paris Hilton, Smokin’ Joe Frazier, substituting vodka for petrol, Taliban, Tiger Woods, twenty-one gun royal salute, UK, UN Conference, vinda loos, vodka stations
Posted in International Affairs, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
In a humane initiative inspired by Kevin, Friday Mash has produced this definitive guide for seekers of asylum in Australia. They are probably just as confused about Australia’s immigration policies as the rest of us.
The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugee’s programme is the entry method for asylum seekers preferred by the Australian Government. It has the marked advantage of no involvement with the Oceanic Viking, Christmas Island or the dreaded people smugglers.
The High Commissioner is a busy fellow and it can take him years to pronounce you a genuine refugee and find a slot for you in a decent neighbourhood. It is hardly surprising that this delay promotes queue-jumping especially by people menaced by homicidal maniacs or up to their necks in melted icebergs.
Furthermore he has trouble meeting refugee demands for a premier destination like Australia. Quota restrictions mean refugees often have to settle for second best like the US and the UK. Relocation in NZ can be surprisingly seamless after months of being herded round like sheep.
Asylum seekers with a passport and a quid or two can opt for the Qantas Solution. This is the Australian Government’s second preference for asylum seekers because they have a large shareholding in Qantas but don’t get a cracker out of people smuggling.
The Qantas Solution offers unique benefits. On arrival in Australia asylum seekers can spend time casing the joint before deciding they want to go Aussie. When they alert the authorities of their intention there’s no question of a detention centre except in the case of terrorists or climate change sceptics. They are immediately upgraded from asylum seeker to permanent residency seeker status. Before leaving home however it is prudent to join the Qantas Frequent Flyer Programme just in case you are red-carded.
Asylum seekers arriving in Australia by boat go straight to a detention centre. It should be noted that travelling to Christmas Island in your own boat avoids the unpleasantness of travelling with people smugglers. A call ahead to book accommodation on Christmas Island and arrange a rendezvous with the Oceanic Viking is always much appreciated.
The asylum seekers’ entry method which causes by far the most angst to the Australian Government is people smugglers. Asylum seekers are strongly advised to regard this as the option of last resort because it involves dealing with three of the most difficult organisations in the world, people smugglers, the Indonesian Government and the Australian Government.
People smuggler boats are built to Kamikaze standards. They never come back because they either sink, explode or are impounded at sea by the Australian authorities. They have about as much chance of reaching Australia as the World Cannibal Convention and the crews have about as much idea of Australia’s geographical position as Dick Cheney.
Kevin is susceptible to giving asylum seekers special treatment but only if you manage to get picked up in Indonesian waters by an Australian boat. All you have to do is simply refuse to get off the boat when it reaches Indonesia. Kevin is far too humane to force you off. Ultimately he will be so embarrassed he’ll lose patience and bribe you to get off. Don’t take his first offer but hang out for something really worthwhile like a tickertape parade in Sydney and Melbourne, a season ticket to the MCG and Australian of the Year.
Asylum seeking has its tiresome moments. But seekers will only have to wait a year or two before Kevin says ‘sorry’.
Tags: asylum seekers, Christmas Island, detention centre, Dick Cheney, immigration, Indonesia, Kevin Rudd, Oceanic Viking, people smuggling, Qantas Solution, refugee
Posted in International Affairs, Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
A politician’s promise is like a hooker’s embrace. They both offer a fleeting glimpse of paradise which comes at a cost.
The reality is that politician’s promises are fool’s gold. Yet within us all persists a faith that the world can be a better place and the latest political wannabe might just be the one to make it happen.
Politicians make promises safe in the knowledge that the electorate recognises the difference between dishonesty and political dishonesty. And let’s face it, if you’re not on a promise from anyone else then a politician’s is better than nothing.
Obama, however, was different. He promised he could change the world and the world believed in him to such a degree that he no longer seemed like a politician.
After all he was a community organiser from Chicago just like Al Capone who had an impressive track record of change and making everyone believe in it..
His promises were so overwhelmingly believable that he was awarded a Nobel Prize just for making them.
Since his election a year ago Obama has certainly brought about change. The economy has gone much further down the toilet and Obamacare seems likely to propel it all the way to the recycling plant.
The situation in Afghanistan has changed because Karzai has interpreted the concept of democracy to mean that he can cast as many votes as he likes.
In the past both Britain and Russia have failed to secure a satisfactory passage up the Khyber Pass. Obama is therefore taking his time to decide whether he should send forty thousand troops or an enema.
The world still awaits change at Gitmo. The inmates there were amongst the first to receive swine flu jabs from the US programme and they will undoubtedly be amongst the first to benefit from a vaccine effective against the terrorist epidemic.
Obama is yet to change Iran’s mind about nuclear ambitions. Advisers believe he should not hold discussions with Ahmedinejad until the job has driven him mad and there can be a true meeting of the minds.
His views on where the 2016 Olympics should be held obviously had a profound effect on the Olympic Committee. They agreed that Brazil should host them for the first time. Now there’s change you can believe in.
Obamacare will certainly bring about change. It promises to be an expensive pill to swallow with no guarantee of economic pain relief.
If climate change is the change we have to believe in then the ultimate way to address it could be through harnessing the intense solar energy shining out of the backsides of Obama and Al Gore.
The main change Obama has made which we can believe in is that he’s not George W Bush although that proposition is not entirely black and white.
Alas there’s one change which none of us wanted to believe in. Obama has become a politician just like all the rest of them.
Tags: Afghanistan, Ahmedinejad, Al Capone, Al Gore, Barack Obama, Britain, George Bush, George W Bush, Khyber Pass, Nobel Prize, Obama, Obama Healthcare, Obamacare, Olympics, President, President of USA, recycling, swine flu, US, Zarzai
Posted in International Affairs, Politics, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
The first asylum seekers to reach Australia were Pommie convicts. Unfortunately the government at the time was ill-prepared to process them properly having no immigration service, no detention centres and no questionnaires about Bradman’s batting average.
As a result of this initial humane but untough approach Pommie convicts have been arriving in Australia ever since.
Sri Lankans are threatening a repeat dose. The Tamil Tiger element is of a calibre similar to the convicts and all it’s going to take to get things really rolling is a mutiny on the Oceanic Viking and a short voyage to Christmas Island to plant the flag.
No humane person could possibly expect Sri Lankans to settle in Indonesia. They haven’t got the slightest interest in cricket and don’t even know Muralitharan’s bowling average.
Kevin has been so wonderfully tough yet humane in dealing with the asylum seeker crisis. He ordered the Oceanic Viking to take the Sri Lankans back to Indonesia but has the infinite patience to allow them to stay on board to get used to the port-a-loos he provided. He realises that asylum seeking is about far more than a first flush.
John Howard and Philip Ruddock successfully addressed the first coming on the Tampa. Kevin has taken the view that if he turns the other cheek to the second coming on the Oceanic Viking he could be exposed as an ass.
You can’t help feeling that this latest crisis is all the fault of the people smugglers. After all they were paid good money by the asylum seekers for the trip to Christmas Island and they failed to deliver. According to travel industry best practice they should charter another vessel to complete the job. The Oceanic Viking would be ideal and it’s not going anywhere at the moment.
On the other hand people smugglers point out that they can’t afford to transport asylum seekers in anything too flash because as soon as they reach Australia their boats are impounded and the crew arrested. What’s more they are particularly aggrieved that after years of dedicated service to Aussie immigration, often in the most trying circumstances, Qantas remains the Australian Government’s preferred carrier for asylum seekers.
Australian cricket authorities are very concerned about the Oceanic Viking situation. They believe the next generation of Aussie cricket stars could be on board and are ready to rush anyone who can bowl a decent bent-arm doosra to join the touring party in India.
Malcolm is concerned that asylum seekers are attracted to Australia because they perceive Kevin as hopelessly humane. He’s thought to be considering a documentary showing the inhumane third-world conditions which staff have to suffer in Kevin’s office. He believes that after just one showing on the Oceanic Viking the asylum seekers would immediately dive overboard and swim to Indonesia.
Immigration experts believe the asylum seeker crisis is a race problem which can be easily solved. All it takes is a pie and beer between races just like the Mackinnon Stakes and the Derby.
If only the Aborigines had applied a tough but humane immigration policy to the first fleet things today could be very different. Most of the pommie convicts would have been sent home and, who knows, Kevin might be living somewhere else.
Tags: Aborigines, asylum seekers, Australian Government, Christmas Island, Cricket, immigration, Indonesia, John Howard, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull, Oceanic Viking, Philip Ruddock, Pommie convicts, Sri Lankans, Tampa
Posted in International Affairs, Politics, Weekly Mash | 2 Comments »
There are clear signs the US is in a mid-season slump what with money worries, the middle east, a young inexperienced president and Arnie threatening to terminate California.
It’s time for their old mate Aussie to take on a coaching role and help them lift their game.
The trouble is Americans are constantly being told by politicians and the media that they are the greatest people in the world living in the greatest country in the world and you can forget all the rest. Secure in that knowledge in their own backyard they are the most warm and generous of people.
But when Americans arrive in godsown for the first time and discover to their utter astonishment that Australia is without doubt the world number one they immediately go into overseas shock syndrome. They become disorientated, wear loud clothes, try to buy the Opera House, proclaim loudly in restaurants they’ve had better service in Acron Ohio and get very upset when people don’t understand that the middle east is between Washington and Atlanta.
Overseas shock syndrome induces a complete character change. It is interesting that Americans never do waterboarding in their own country.
Sol Trujillo arrived in Australia convinced he was the greatest telecommunications chief executive in the world. After Kevin disabused him of that belief he successfully switched to gold mining. It all stemmed from a misunderstanding when he went to Kevin demanding to roll out the national broadband network and Kev offered to lend him his overalls, kneepads and hard hat.
In an unprecedented humanitarian gesture the Australian Government should urgently consider taking over Guantanamo Bay when it is vacated in January and converting it into an international re-orientation centre for American citizens. After a concentrated course there Americans like Sol would be able to stride confidently out into the world free from the risk of overseas shock syndrome. Those travelling to the middle east near Africa would receive schooling in the local vernacular like ‘fair suck of the Syrian sauce bottle’ and ‘would you like cous cous with that?’
The centre would place particular emphasis on choice of gear with warnings that any overseas wardrobe malfunctions like purple jeans plus an orange t-shirt with gold lettering which states ‘Americans are the world’s greatest lovers’ will attract severe sanctions both for bad taste and gross misrepresentation.
Owing to a series of most unfortunate recent events Kevin is in no position to help the US car industry through his Ozcar fund. It is understood however that Detroit is keen to get Malcolm over there because Kevin has told them he’s got no future in politics but he’s a powerful hybrid.
If you were selecting a country to lead peace and nuclear negotiations in the middle east the US would almost certainly figure well down your list adjacent to Iran and North Korea. However that ranking would soar dramatically if they had Kevin on board as a part-time consultant. Imagine what a powerful put-down it would be in response to a vitriolic Ahmadinejad barb if Obama could say ‘I’ll get back to you on that after I’ve talked to Kevin’. Obama knows he would be far better off consulting Kevin than past US presidents because a nerd in the hand is worth two Bushes.
Australia should advise the US to stop messing around in international affairs and concentrate on the things they do best like fast food. If they had persisted in persuading Ahmadinejad to go on a diet of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC instead of slagging him off all the time he would no longer have that lean and hungry look and have no appetite for nuclear weapons.
Tags: Ahmadinejad, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama humor, Guantanamo Bay, Kevin Rudd satire, Malcolm Turnbull satire, Sol Trujillo, Telstra
Posted in International Affairs, Weekly Mash | 1 Comment »
It is quite extraordinary that so many people are bemused by goings-on in the Middle East. It’s all quite simple really.
There are many theories as to how the US became so heavily involved in the Middle East. One US president thought it was a district of New York but the real breakthrough came when a US petrol retailer realised the virtues of a totally integrated supply chain.
The invasion of Afghanistan has been brilliantly successful at driving the Taliban out of the country. Unfortunately it has driven them into Pakistan, which is now in imminent danger of being renamed Talibanistan, and has caused the Indian Premier League to be transferred to South Africa.
The futile attempts (that are publically disclosed to us) of finding Osama bin Laden in the Muddle East
The invasion of Iraq has been brilliantly successful at extinguishing that country’s threat to Iran. The Iranians are showing their gratitude by threatening to leave a huge carbon footprint all over Israel.
In decisive retaliatory measures the UN is expected to ban the export of Persian carpets and Barack Obama is planning to talk to the mullahs. He has been rehearsing with the Reverend Wright.
The key US allies in the region, Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan appear to be the main sources of anti-US terrorists. Germany and France, resolute US allies in Europe, provide the US with about as much support in the Middle East as Iran. Spain, another key ally, has been threatening to prosecute the US for anti-terrorist activities.
The Taliban would probably have been crushed by Russia if it hadn’t been for the support they received from the US and Pakistan. Now the US wants Russia and Pakistan to help them crush the Taliban and stand by for the Taliban wanting Russia and Pakistan to help them crush the US.
Likely next developments are the extreme left in the US trying to prosecute George W for denying Saddam Hussein his civil rights and Pakistan inviting the US to invade them and drive the Taliban back to Afghanistan.
It’s such a shame that the US are so misunderstood. Someone should take them aside and advise them to leave Middle East wars to the Israelis. They do them so much better. And furthermore the US should immediately withdraw their special envoys George Mitchell and Richard Holbrooke from the Middle East, ban Hillary from going there and leave the diplomacy to Tony Blair. Americans are such warm and wonderful human beings in their own backyard but unfortunately they don’t travel well.
In summary the US has had a win in Iraq, a draw in Afghanistan but has lost out over Palestine, eliminating Osama Bin Laden, the Taliban, Al Qa’ida, Hamas and Hezbollah and bringing the Indian Premier League to Yankee Stadium.
In the final analysis the Middle East is all the UK’s fault. They fiddled around in the Khyber Pass, made a total hash of redrawing national boundaries and failed to recognise that Lawrence of Arabia was like Barack Obama on horseback.
Tags: Afghanistan, Al Qa’ida, Barack Obama humor, George Bush satire, George W Bush humor, Hamas, Hezbollah, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iraq, Israeli, Middle East, Osama Bin Laden, Pakistan, Saddam Hussein, Taliban, Tony Blair satire
Posted in International Affairs, Mash Up, Sport, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
Kevin Rudd was apprehensive about his US trip until Gordon Brown got out of there unscathed. This reassured him that the US policy of eliminating toxic assets did not apply to toxic bores.
Confidential White House sources have revealed that as Kevin stepped through the majestic portals he presented the president with three Chinese yuan because ‘its change we can believe in’.
It was immediately apparent to viewers of the White House soap opera that Barack and Kevin had slipped seamlessly into the roles previously played by George W and John. The more perceptive, however, noticed scratches and scuffs on the White House furniture, the unmistakable calling card of the man of steel.
The immediate meeting of the minds between Barack and Kevin put the seal on a heads of government encounter which brought together two of the most powerful figures of our generation, Michelle and Therese.
During an hour’s intensive discussion Barack and Kevin are understood to have developed a strategy to persuade the G-20 that China should be allowed to join the League of Anti Neo-Liberals and the Don’t Mention Tibet Society. They also designed a stimulus package for presentation to other G-20 members comprising smelling salts, an ancient Chinese aphrodisiac, an AIG bonus and an Obama alarm clock which wakes you up by shouting ‘yes we can’.
Barack skipped lunch because he had to check whether Timothy Geithner was a toxic asset or a toxic liability. Kevin had Chinese takeaway with Hillary who announced she was a cert for the democratic nomination in 2012 because thousands of Bill’s ex-girlfriends had decided to vote for her. They were very impressed by the way she handled their affairs.
There was a stir at the start of the G-20 Summit in London when Kevin announced in English that he was representing Australia rather than China and announced in Chinese that he couldn’t understand why he was constantly being connected with China.
The summit got down to business by blaming the global economic crisis on the banks, neo-liberalism and a failure to consult with China. And they asked Barack to check whether Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were fronts for the Taliban.
They discussed a range of innovative solutions to the global economic crisis like extended credit from Mastercard, annexing Switzerland and a worldwide lottery with mind-blowing prizes like Guantanamo Bay and New Zealand. They ruled out robbing banks as pointless but thought it might be worthwhile after they get their next government handout.
The Summit’s inspiring final communiqué called on China to lead the world to a new dimension in neo-liberalism.
Latest reports indicate that Kevin is recovering well from his recent bout of yellow fever and has been cleared of any implication that his trip was paid for by a Chinese businesswoman.
Tags: Barack Obama humor, Bill Clinton humor, China, G-20, George Bush satire, George W Bush humor, Gordon Brown, Guantanamo Bay, Hillary Clinton satire, John Howard satire, Kevin Rudd satire, Timothy Geithner
Posted in International Affairs, Weekly Mash | No Comments »
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